6.13.2012

what do you need to let go?

i used to be addicted to coca-cola.  before that, it was pepsi-cola.  before that, it was mountain dew.  in my growing-up house, it was all called "drink."  if you wanted to some pepsi, you asked for drink.  not "a drink," not "the drink," just "drink."  "drink" never referred to milk or juice or water.  those things were called milk, juice, and water.  only drink was called "drink."

somewhere along the way--in college, i think--coca-cola became my constant companion.  i felt wrong--panicky, really--if i didn't have a bottle of coke with me.  and during that time, coca-cola became a part of my identity.  people knew me as the girl who always had a coke with her.  friends teased me about it in that way that makes you feel known and loved for your quirks.  and that lasted--with one small break--until i was about 34 years old.

that was when the caffeine caught up with me.  "drink" is just flat-out awful for your health, no matter how you slice it, and apparently i had used up my lifetime allotment of caffeine in just 34 years.  i started having heart palpitations like crazy, and for a girl whose dad died of a heart attack at age 55, that shit was very, very scary.  so i had to quit coca-cola.  in fact, i quit all drink.

yes, it was hard to say goodbye to the taste and the caffeine and the bubbles.  but here's the thing: i think the hardest part of it was that coca-cola was part of my identity.  i actually thought that i would be disappointing other people if i wasn't the "coke" girl.  that i wouldn't be living up to their expectations of who i was.  that they wouldn't like me as much without that quirky drinking-coke thing.  i was really scared to let go of this thing that people knew me for.  which is strange.  it sounds ridiculous now.  i mean, who wants to be known for drinking coke?  that's not particularly awesome.  anyone can do it, really.

i did, eventually, put down the coke can, and now i haven't had a coke in years.  but i'm wondering:  are there other things in my life that i'm hanging onto just because i've always done them, and i'm scared for them not to be part of my identity anymore?

i'm curious:  are there things that have somehow become part of your identity that you're scared to let go?

5 comments:

  1. For me, it's video games. I play them when I'm bored, when I have a ton of work to do, when I'm with my family, even on Friday nights when everyone's out doing their own thing. What comes from playing Team Fortress 2? Not much. I can waste a good amount of time, that's for sure. I might learn how to solve some problems, but those are, for the most part, localized to just the game. In reality, video games in my life are a waste of time, money, and space (both physical space and space on my hard drive, about 200 gigs!!) I could be exercising or working during the time I spend gaming. As a reality check, I've logged 321 hours playing Team Fortress 2 (A computer game). That's time I could've been actually living my life! I hope to just remove them from my life, because of the cost, and the opportunity cost they come with.

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    1. yes! i can't remember the dollar amount now, but i added up the amount of money of i was spending on coca-cola, and that gave me a similar reality check to your 321 hour/200 gigs tallies. gulp. i've got an upcoming post about tv that hits on some of these issues, too. gulp again.

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  2. Ironically (at least as it relates to your story), sobriety has become a huge part of my identity. I gave up alcohol as a New Years Eve resolution on a whim well before I started doing drugs, but even when I was at the height of my drug addiction, I was "the guy who didn't drink" - but the guy who would do just about anything else. The not-drinking thing was a huge part of my identity. And now that I've been off everything for several years, I'm still sometimes referred to as "the DJ who doesn't drink". That's a good thing though, because it's another wall of reinforcement between me and the possibility of relapse. For many obvious reasons, I'm grateful for the fear of letting go of having let go of the things I have let go. <3

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    1. this sentence made me smile for its matt-ism: "for many obvious reasons, i'm grateful for the fear of letting go of having let go of the things i have let go."

      also: i think i missed the phase where you were "the guy who didn't drink." these days, to me, you are (among other things): "the guy who saved his own life," "the guy who will drive a looooong way to support his friends," and "the guy who is doing something he loves and making his living at it."

      so...question: does changing something so big in your life/identity (getting sober) mean you now have less trouble changing smaller things about your identity whenever you feel it's time?

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  3. Sometimes I think I can't let go of the weight I've put on, because it performs this great secret function of making me less attractive to men. I mean, that's not that secret, that part. But the secret part for me is that I think in some ways I prefer to remain untested. I was known as, or I knew myself as, the girl who cheated on everyone she dated. And yes, there were a lot of complicating reasons for that, and I did a bunch of psychological work on myself, and theoretically anyway the holes that used to be gaping are enough-filled that I wouldn't just jump at the chance to please some stranger if I got ogled in a bar (if, of course, I was ever out at one! alone! hmm.) But I think that once I am ready to lose weight, it will be hard to get over the secret fear that if I drop sixty pounds and am suddenly more attractive to men, that old dynamic will rear its head once more. Which I think is kind of funny, because a big part of being attractive to men (especially that kind of man) was being young and naive and willing, with poor self-esteem. So if I'm 120 lbs but almost-40, with much better self-esteem and a sense of self-possession, what makes me think I will suddenly be super-vulnerable to all this attention from the anonymous swarthy masses? I dunno. Hmm. Thanks for giving me something to think about!

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